


Aftermath

by Ripki



Series: Desperate Measures [2]
Category: Flight 29 Down
Genre: Angst, Dead Body, F/M, Teen Romance, Teenagers, What comes after
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-06-03
Updated: 2007-12-11
Packaged: 2017-11-12 22:32:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/496365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ripki/pseuds/Ripki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You have to face your fears before you can bury them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Burying the body

\----

 

From Oxford English Dictionary: aftermath - a state or condition left by a (usu. unpleasant) event, or some further occurrence arising from it.

 

-o-

 

The man was smaller than Jackson had imagined. That was the first thing to come into his mind, when he looked at the body. He didn’t think dead or reeking or disgusting, although those words were not far behind. 

 

Just small. He looked so incredibly small. 

 

Jackson hadn’t seen the man, when he had still been alive, hadn’t been in the receiving end of the man’s gun or his later kindness, hadn’t known him in any way or context, and Jackson didn’t really know what to expect upon arriving to the clearing, where the big showdown had taken place just two nights ago. 

 

It was nothing he could have prepared himself for. The man was laying on his side, almost huddled up, small and lifeless, looking so harmless that Jackson had a hard time believing that the man was - had been - a dangerous criminal. 

 

To say that he was in a bit of a shock would have been an understatement of the century; he hadn’t exactly seen a dead body before. Or buried one either. 

 

But he was about to. That was why Jackson now stood with Nathan on the edge of the clearing, ready to step to the very place that everyone by unspoken agreement had steered clear of. They were - honest to God - going to bury a dead body. 

 

A task no one wanted, but that had to be done nonetheless. They had avoided it as long as they could, but time was running out; the body was decaying fast in the humid climate. They couldn’t just leave the body be and hope for it to disappear. First there was the common decency; the dead deserved to be buried. Many of the society’s rules had already been broken on the island, and Jackson wanted to believe that they were doing this to uphold one of the most important taboos, but he doubted they would have forced themselves to do this, if it weren’t for the threat it presented to their own lives. 

 

Before long, the rotting human body would bring diseases, not to mention predators and other animals. They couldn’t take the risk. 

 

And perhaps, just maybe, the old saying "out of sight, out of mind" would be proven to be true. No one had talked about it, but the man’s death weighted heavily on everyone’s mind. Jackson couldn’t even begin to fathom what Lex and Eric felt, for they had actually saw the man die. They all had their own nightmares, and not all of them were born from the murder, but many of them were. Perhaps burying the body would bring them some much needed peace of mind. 

 

He could only hope it would be so simple, but he doubted it. The healing wouldn’t happen over night. Jackson knew they were all suffering from shock, from post traumatic stress syndrome or something a shrink could no doubt give a fancy name. They were dealing with the trauma in different ways: clinging to each other, withdrawing to themselves, snapping at each other, not wanting to talk, talking too much, not sleeping, being sluggish or too perky, lying through gritted teeth that everything was just fine and fooling no one.

 

“I can’t believe we’re doing this.” Jackson didn’t know if Nathan meant the physical aspect of the work; that they were really going to touch the rotting body, come closer to the disgusting smell. Or if he meant that he couldn’t believe that they were in this situation to begin with, burying a human body. 

 

“Yeah, tell me about it.” He glanced at Nathan, who was staring at the man, a look that was a twisted mix of horror and grief on his face. Jackson hoped that they would get the task done without puking their guts out. 

 

He steeled himself and stepped forward, the putrid smell instantly worsening. They should had done this the minute they knew that the rest of the thugs had left the island, but well, they hadn’t been exactly thinking straight at the time. 

 

It was worse now - the smell, the man’s bloated face, the army of insects swarming over the body, not scurrying away like the bigger animals had upon their arrival. 

 

“Shit.” Nathan had come to stand beside Jackson, and was covering his nose and mouth with his hand. 

 

“Yeah.” Jackson’s voice sounded weak in his own ears, and he fought the urge to turn around and never return to the place. Let the nature claim the body and do what it wanted with it. 

 

But it had to be done. 

 

He ripped one of his t-shirt’s sleeves of and tied it around his face, so it covered his nose. Nathan followed his suit and they ripped their t-shirts some more, getting pieces they could cover their hands with, and then wordlessly they started to examine the ground for a good spot to dig, a place where the earth would be soft enough that they could create a hollow with their hands. Of course, they had no spades or other tools, only the sturdy wooden branches they had brought with them. 

 

There was already a small hole in the ground under a crooked dead tree, so they ended up deepening and widening it for a grave. They scraped the earth with their branches, kicked the soil away with their sneakers, sweating and panting in the hot forenoon sun. 

 

Nathan concentrated on the digging, willing his mind of the horrid smell of death, of the sightless eyes of the man. A little while longer, and then all of this would be over. The hollow was almost deep enough. Just a little longer. Everything in him had repelled against the idea of burying the body, when they had first discussed it in camp, but he had volunteered to do it anyway. He owed it to Daley and Lex.

 

He hadn’t managed to keep them safe, and the last thing they needed was the knowledge that the man - Jin - was still laying dead on the island. Nathan hadn’t stopped the leader from taking Lex hostage, hadn’t even gotten him back - he had just followed Daley - , but he could do this for them. 

 

“I think it’s deep enough.” Jackson had stopped digging and was staring at the hollow appraisingly. 

 

To Nathan, it didn’t look nearly deep enough, but he wasn’t about to complain. 

 

They started to approach the body hesitantly, slowly, until Jackson said, “Let’s do this fast.” 

 

Nathan took hold of the man’s legs, and Jackson took hold of the man’s hands, and then they lifted, and the man was dead, but he was still heavy, and they grunted and carried the body, and Nathan thought furiously do not puke, do not drop the body, do not puke, do not drop the body over and over, until they were at the hollow, and they both abruptly let go, and the man thudded to the ground. 

 

The man was small, but still the hole was not deep enough. Nathan felt a surge of panic. Did they have to dig it deeper - do it again? The front of the body rose from the ground like a weird lump of dirty torn clothes among scuffed and mottled skin. 

 

“Let’s just cover it.” Nathan felt a small twinge of remorse over his words (one should be respectful towards the dead, he had been taught), but the overwhelming urge to just get it over with was hundred times stronger. 

 

They covered the body with soil, and dragged some big stones over it. When they were finally finished, they stood looking at it, feeling exhausted and at loss of what to say. Nathan didn’t feel as relieved as he had thought he would. He was strangely numb, bereft of any strong emotion. 

 

He had done it. He had buried the body, and he felt so much older than his sixteen years.

 

“Do you…want to say something?” Jackson sounded awkward, like he didn’t know what the norm was now, when the man was in the grave. Nathan thought about the few funerals he had been to, the eloquent speeches about the deceased, and couldn’t think of anything to say. He shrugged his shoulders. 

 

“What was he like?” The question took Nathan by surprise. He looked at Jackson, but the other boy was staring straight ahead, unreadable expression on his face. Nathan opened his mouth to answer, but found that he didn’t really know the man - Jin - at all, didn’t know his likes or dislikes, why he had done as he had, who would mourn him if they only knew that he was dead. 

 

But he remembered Jin‘s words: If I were you, I would hide in the jungle until this is all over. He remembered that the man had let them go. And for that deed alone, he deserved to be buried properly, with all the tears and praising speeches. Instead, he had to settle for what two teenagers could give him. 

 

Nathan tried again and this time the hesitant words were heard. “I…he wasn’t as bad as the others…he didn’t talk much, didn’t really do anything to us…he let us go.” He felt a lump forming in his throat. “He told us to hide.” Nathan wanted to believe that Jin had cared about their fate - maybe only a little, but still cared. 

 

Jackson nodded, still looking rigidly ahead, but Nathan could see the silent tears that were dampening Jackson’s cheeks. He understood and felt an answering wetness gathering in his own eyes. They were not crying solely over the burial, but over everything that had happened; what they had been through, what had been done to them, what they had been forced to do. 

 

Some of the tears were for Jin, but most of them were for the carefree years they would never get back.


	2. Long days, longer nights

\---

 

The second day after the thugs had left - a new landmark for them to start the count for days all over again - and Jackson and Nathan left to the clearing to bury the dead man. It had to be done, so Melissa bit her lip and didn’t say anything so stupid as don’t go. 

 

She knew it was foolish, but Jackson’s absence twisted her stomach into tight knots. She felt anxious, when he was out of her sight. It was not that they had even said anything to each other about them together - there wasn’t any us - but by an unspoken agreement Melissa and Jackson had stayed close to each other after coming back to camp from hiding, sitting side by side, going to gather firewood together, constantly aware of where the other was and what they were doing. It didn’t mean that they were together like that. It just…everything seemed a little better, when he was with her.

 

It was only forenoon, but already the day seemed longer than the one before it. Chores done for the moment, there was nothing to occupy the mind but dark thoughts, and Melissa had had enough of those to last a lifetime. 

 

Daley and Lex were down by the water and for a moment Melissa contemplated joining them. But no, she felt like an intruder every time, stuck between Daley’s anger and Lex’s fear. Eric was nowhere to be seen, as usual, and briefly she wondered if she should be more concerned about him - but the worry for everything and everyone was already eating her, and she couldn’t stand more of it - he would be fine. 

 

Taylor was sitting at the plane’s entrance, staring into space, eyes oddly vacant. She had been subdued, withdrawn into herself since they had found her hiding in the jungle, and there was something inherently wrong about that. To Melissa, Taylor had always been bright looks and loud voice and the demand to be the centre of everything. This wish to be invisible was troubling Melissa, and she couldn’t decide whether to confront Taylor or leave her alone. 

 

Things had already been strained between them before the thugs, and to her shame Melissa’s anger for Taylor was still not only a memory. What could she possibly say to her? They might want the same person, but on all other things they were completely different. 

 

Taylor’s eyes shifted and broke their sightless staring, and Melissa turned around quickly to see Jackson and Nathan walk towards camp. 

 

Melissa’s heart beat faster as she hurried to meet them, the knots inside her loosening. Jackson’s grim face broke into a tiniest of smiles, and she forgot all her thoughts about Taylor.

 

-o-

 

If she didn’t woke up from the suffocating blackness of her own nightmares, skin clammy with sweat and her fear a bitter bile in her throat, she woke to the sound of Lex’s. 

 

He went to sleep next to Daley every night, a small lump huddled in a sleeping bag, and every night, he woke up crying. Sometimes Melissa was already awake, had been for hours, unable to get back to sleep, just waiting for Lex’s first muffled cry. Alone in the dark, more alone than usual, for Jackson - and Nathan and Eric - had started to sleep back in their own shelter, since the tent was just too cramped with seven people. 

 

That night she had been too tired, and had succumbed into a restless sleep. It was bitch black inside the tent, when Melissa woke up. First she was confused as to what had dragged her from her dreams, but soon enough the desolate sound reminded her. 

 

Melissa felt utterly helpless. She wanted to reach out to Lex, to comfort him, but Daley was sleeping in between them, hovering over her brother just as much at night as she did at day. 

 

She didn’t know what to do, what to say, but - God, she was just so tired. She wanted it to stop. 

 

“Lex.” Her whisper was loud in the silence between Lex’s sobs. He didn’t give any indication that he had heard her. 

 

“Lex, please.” Melissa tried again, not really knowing what she was pleading. Please be alright? Please stop crying? Please let me sleep?

 

“Shush, it’s alright now, hush…” Daley’s voice sounded hoarse in the dark, as if she had been crying herself. Melissa closed her eyes and tried to fall back to sleep, listening Daley whisper comforting nonsense to Lex, trying to believe the words herself. 

 

-o-

 

Sometimes Melissa caught Nathan looking at the gun. 

 

They had decided to keep the gun, just in case there ever would come a situation when they had to defend themselves, but it’s presence in the camp didn’t made her feel any safer. If anything, the small black handgun made things seem…dangerous. She didn’t want it anywhere near her, but they had decided, together, and the matter was settled. 

 

Taylor hadn’t had an opinion, Lex had been obviously afraid of it, but Eric, Jackson, Daley and Nathan had been for it, had argued it would have been stupid to get rid of it, and Melissa could agree with their logic, even if she didn’t like the item itself. 

 

None of them knew how to handle guns, so they had put it carefully at the bottom of their extra backpack, agreeing not to touch it ever, but only in an emergency. 

 

Maybe she would have been able to forget that it even was there, under all the broken and useless stuff they didn’t need, but she had caught Nathan rummaging the bag, had seen him holding the gun in his hands. 

 

“What are you doing?” The words had been out of her mouth before she had thought about them, her disbelieve and panic palpable. Melissa hated guns, couldn’t fathom looking at them, let alone touching them. 

 

Nathan had looked at her little guiltily, mumbling something about making sure it was there, and had put it back. 

 

The next time Melissa saw him looking at the gun, she didn’t say anything.

 

-o-

 

They lived in a strange limbo, an in-between place. They were not talking about the rescue, they were not planning it, and nobody mentioned home anymore. It was as if they were all waiting things to settle down, to get better, before they could once again start planning their rescue. 

 

Melissa absolutely refused to believe that it meant they had given up hope. It didn’t. Just because they didn’t talk about it, didn’t mean that they didn’t think about it. 

 

And she did thought about it, all the time. What it would be like to be home. Go to school, sleep in her own bed, eat real food, see her parents every day, whenever she wanted. 

 

Melissa wanted it. So much. 

 

-o-

 

On the fifth day Taylor went to the beach to wash her clothes, and Melissa followed her with her own bundle of dirty laundry. 

 

They walked to the rocks a little further away from the camp than they felt comfortable with, but neither of them said anything. They waded into the warm water, plunging one garment after another beneath the waves, trying to scrub them clean by hand. They had run out of soap days ago.

 

After they felt the clothes were as clean as they could get them, they placed them on the hot surface of the rock to dry, and sat side by side, looking out to the sea, the sun hot and hard above them in the sky. 

 

Melissa had been rehearsing her words for days; thinking how to start speaking and what to ask in the sleepy consciousness between her disturbing dreams. Sometimes she had heard Taylor shift and turn, and had known the other girl was awake too. Neither of them had said anything.

 

“Are you alright?” It was a stupid question, a stupid way to start a conversation, and as soon as the words were gone from her lips, Melissa wanted to take them back. 

 

There was a heavy pause and then Taylor snorted, “Not really.”

 

“Sorry. Stupid question.”

 

“No it’s - no one has asked me that.”

 

“Oh.” The feeling of not knowing what to say was getting really old, and Melissa decided to just plunge ahead. “You have been so quiet and we - I thought you wanted to be left alone.”

 

“I guess.” Another pause, and then Taylor continued in a strangled voice, “It’s just - everyone is kind of broken right now, and you don’t need to worry about me.”

 

“But I do worry about you.” The words were the truth. After five days of watching a subdued Taylor, Melissa was ready to sign her into a therapy group. Since there weren’t any available, she would have to do the job herself. 

 

“But I didn’t even do anything. I wasn’t beaten up or forced to go with those - those bastards, I didn’t have to point a gun at anybody. I just waited that it was all over!” 

 

Melissa turned to watch Taylor, but she was staring at the sea, biting her lip. It was obvious she was fighting hard not to cry. Melissa should have asked her sooner.

 

“But Taylor…you were held against your will for hours, you were made to wait - afraid and - we all have been through a lot, all of us, and it’s not a competition who has suffered the most…”

 

“I didn’t go with them, after.” Taylor’s voice was resigned. Melissa waited for her to continue, having a sudden understanding what the crux of the matter was. 

 

“After the man - the dead man - let us go, and Daley and Nathan went to free Lex and Eric, I didn’t go with them.” A heavy pause. “I thought…the man said we should hide, and I couldn’t - I couldn’t go there, where the men were, I just couldn’t, so I hid and I waited for it all to be over.”

 

A lump was forming in Melissa’s own throat, a misery answering to Taylor’s bleak voice. “It’s okay”, she tried to say, even as she knew the words would hardly make a difference. 

 

“I - don’t worry. Really, don’t worry about me, I didn’t have to do anything but wait for it to end. I’ll - I’ll be fine.” 

 

“I know.” For the first time Melissa really understood Taylor, knew the pain behind the words. “I know what it is like - to wait alone, and afraid and not knowing if he - if the others are dead or hurt, and all the while thinking if you are going to be alone forever…” Melissa remembered how she had waited for Jackson to return from his swimming trip to the ship, how afraid she had been, and how that moment, when she had been utterly alone, had almost been the worst moment in that whole hellish night. 

 

Taylor finally turned towards Melissa, her face more timid and real than Melissa had ever seen. She was listening carefully, wanting clearly to hear more, and so Melissa forced herself to continue. 

 

“I was waiting at the beach you know, when Jackson tried to swim to the ship. I thought - he was gone for so long, and I thought he had drown or - I think the worst part was the helplessness, that I couldn’t do anything to help.”

 

“You didn’t have any choice - but I - I could have -” The unsaid words were left hanging in the air between them. I could have gone with them. I could have helped. I didn’t.

 

“But everything went okay. Lex and Eric were not hurt, we are all here and the men are gone. What’s done is done. You shouldn’t blame yourself forever about it.” 

 

“I won’t.” Taylor’s smile was small and sad, full of self-knowledge. 

 

Another heavy pause, Melissa undecided whether she really should go there at all or just leave the matter be, but finally she just wanted to clear the air between them, and uttered carefully, “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything before now. I just - the thing that happened, between me and you and Jackson, it - well, I’m sorry about that too.”

 

“Yeah, well…I don’t know what is was. He has not been exactly clear on that.”

 

“I know.” Despite them growing close to each other, Melissa’s exact place in Jackson’s life was still a big confusing question mark. 

 

“I never would have thought, but he has become a good friend - I can talk to him and - I can’t give that up.” Taylor’s look was piercing, almost challenging. “I won’t give that up. I have no one else here.”

 

The anger and the jealousy came more slowly this time, their stings weaker, and they were easily showed aside, as Melissa reminded herself of the promise she had made - whoever he would choose, she was going to be okay with that.

 

So she looked Taylor straight at the eyes, and let her know just that, “I know. And it’s okay. I can’t give that up either.”

 

-o-

 

The sobs came like clockwork, just as she was ready to give in to the pull of her own dreams. A few seconds later, Daley’s soothing whispers. 

 

The same words, over and over again, like a scratchy broken record. It’s going to be alright. 

 

Melissa felt something in her broke and shatter, the bleakness of her loneliness starkly illuminated by the two entwined figures, seeking solace from each other. 

 

Not willing to just think about it anymore, Melissa swiftly rose from her sleeping bag, rolling it to a bundle and taking it with her as she left the tent without a word. She went to their self-made shelter, and quietly made herself a bed next to Jackson, refusing to feel ashamed or embarrassed. 

 

She willed her heart and breath to settle down, and closed her eyes. It was quiet, just the wind rustling the leaves. A warm hand sneaked a hold of her palm, squeezing gently, and then settling, not letting her go. 

 

In the morning, they didn’t talk about it.


	3. Lost

\----

She had not wanted a little brother. Most of all, she had not wanted a new mother.

 

It had been just the two of them for so long now (and yet sometimes, most of the time, it felt like it was just yesterday when she had lost her mom), so when her dad introduced them to her for the first time, Daley had been sure they would be gone by the end of the week, and she would never see them again. 

 

Imagine her confusion, her resentment, her hope, when she had turned out to be wrong. Daley wanted her dad to be happy (her mom would have wanted him to be happy, and he had been before she went away), and so she tried to be happy for him. But she didn’t want a little brother, and she couldn’t ever again have a mom (her mom couldn’t come back). 

 

So Daley’s dirty little secret (the one that Lex was never going to know, except with his perception, he kind of already did) was that at the beginning, she had not wanted Lex. But she had gotten him anyhow, and now, she would not change it for the world, would not give him back. 

 

Daley loved her brother. And she was going to lose him all the same. Just like she had lost her mom. 

 

-o-

 

Lex looked so tired. Daley knew he was tired, as he hardly slept anymore. If she had been a better sister, she would have gotten him to sleep, would have known how to banish those nightmares. Instead, night after night, the only thing she knew was the phrase "it’s going to be alright", repeating it over and over again, even when it did no good to either one of them. But then again, lies seldom did. 

 

He was so quiet all the time. Before, Lex had always been a calm child, but still far from passive. He had observed situations with keen interest, had never been afraid to offer his own opinions, knowledge, questions. Now he was so quiet and timid, curled up into himself; lost somewhere dark and terrifying. If she had been a better listener, better talker, better at knowing what to say, she would have found him. If she had been better - better at anything, everything - she could had prevented him getting lost in the first place. 

 

Daley had gotten used to doing and succeeding. She had led fundraisings, election campaigns, committees, clubs, simple afternoons with friends. She had approached every task vigorously, not unlike a battle, planning and then executing. Daley hadn’t always won, but no one had been able to fault her for not trying. 

 

And yet here she was, in the most important fight of her life, and she was helpless, useless, hopeless. The horrible inevitability of her failure had her in constant silent panic, just waiting for it all to collapse, to go even more wrong. She was going to lose the fight and lose Lex. 

 

Just like she had lost mom. 

 

“Daley?” She hadn’t noticed that Nathan had come to sit next to her by the fire. Lex sat on her right side, and he looked so tired, and it made Daley’s heart ache. 

 

“Daley?” She knew the look that Nathan held in his eyes, she didn’t need to turn to look at him, didn’t have to take her eyes of Lex. He’d had it for days now, his eyes silently begging, talk to me, tell me what’s wrong.

 

“Everything’s fine.”

 

“Daley…”

 

“Any minute now, you can stop repeating my name. Did you have something you actually wanted to say?” Daley heard the cutting edges of her own voice, the razor blades of her words, but she couldn’t stop them from escaping her mouth. 

 

“I…It’s nothing. Forget it.” 

 

“Already forgotten.” The last nail to the coffin. Nathan rose from his place on the ground and walked away. 

 

Daley knew she was cruel, she was already regretting her words, her manner, everything. She hadn’t wanted to hurt him, to drive him away, except that she had. For a moment - maybe still a little. 

 

Nathan was so worried about her, and she appreciated it, she really did, but didn’t he see that the real focus had to be Lex? That he needed help the most? Why spend time talking to her, trying to comfort her? She didn’t need his gentle words, his reassuring presence. It would just be wasted on her anyway. 

 

“What has gotten your panties in a twist?” Eric had appeared soundlessly from somewhere and stood watching Daley with his infuriating smirk. 

 

Great. He was currently the last person Daley wanted to see, or hear, or be anywhere near to. Eric never learned, never took anything seriously, but treated everyone with mock and contempt. Daley knew he didn’t care about anyone but himself - he was a danger to all around him. 

 

“Wow, I see the mood really is hitting our metaphorical roof tonight. Try not to have too much a good time.”

 

Daley steeled herself and swallowed the words, what good is here for us to have? She continued to steadfastly ignore Eric. The bastard could yap by himself for the whole night for all she cared. 

 

Eric leaned forwards and reached for the water kettle that was hanging in its place above the fire, boiling their precious water. As he juggled the hot kettle with his hands, he shot a quick look towards Lex. 

 

“You alright there Lex?” 

 

He slumped down on the sand, still talking to Daley‘s silent brother, “What do you say about a game of poker? I’ve been making these cards from the leaves, they’re pretty good -“

 

“Don’t get sand on the kettle!“ The idiot was already lowering the kettle to the ground, but Daley’s sharp voice made Eric keep his grib of the handle, the kettle dangling precariously inches from the sand. 

 

“Come on Lex, I can teach you if you don’t know how to play. It’ll be more fun than sitting here doing nothing.“ Eric reached for the empty water bottle with his other hand, but as he shifted forward the scalding hot bottom of the kettle made contact with his knees - “SHIT!” He dropped both the bottle and the kettle, cursing and grimacing from pain. 

 

“Oh that’s just great! Look what you did!” The kettle lay on its side, its contents spilling over, the sand quickly absorbing every drop of their boiled water. All that hard work undone - now they would have to start over again. All because the moron couldn’t fill up his water bottle. 

 

“It burned my leg!”

 

“You just can’t do anything, can you? If you would have just shut up for a minute and concentrated, thought about what you were doing - a mistake here can get someone hurt!“ Daley’s heart was hammering in her chest painfully, the images of past mistakes flashing in bright Technicolor in her head. 

 

“I am hurt!”

 

“That’s just my point! You could have hurt - don’t you get it that someone else might have gotten hurt badly and you don’t even care!” 

 

“It was an accident.” Lex’s small voice drowned under the fury of the arguing pair. 

 

“Are we still talking about spilled water here? Look, I get it, I screwed up, but do you have to scrub it to my face all the damn time!?” Eric stood rigidly over the fireplace, facing Daley, who had also jumped to her feet. To Lex, they resembled raging animals ready to tear each other apart. 

 

“You just don’t understand, do you? He could have been killed!” Daley’s voice cracked, and she fought hard against the tears. She would not cry in front of Eric - never. Instead, she clung to her anger and resentment, aiming them with full force towards Eric. 

 

“You are a selfish bastard and I don’t want you anywhere near me or Lex.”

 

Silence. Then Eric’s grave voice, “Don’t dump your issues on me.” He looked at Lex, sitting hunched and staring at the ground, then Daley, face red and eyes gleaming from anger and fear. “I’m not going to say how sorry I am anymore.”

 

Daley bit her lip and held her ground, refusing to yield. She was right to feel anger, she was entitled to hate him. Eric was a danger to Lex, and he had to stay away from them. 

 

“Good. Nothing you say can never change what you did.”

 

“Stupid bitch!” Eric turned abruptly and stalked away from the camp. Daley slumped to the ground, suddenly feeling tired and sick. It had to be done, she reminded herself. He deserved it. She had to protect Lex.

 

“You didn’t have to be so mean to him - or to Nathan. It’s not their fault.” Lex’s hoarse voice was unexpected and it startled her. She had already gotten used to his silence. 

 

“I - I had to.” 

 

“Why?” Lex’s words were the words of a small child - a child wounded by someone he loved, by doing something he couldn’t understand. Daley’s throat closed up, and she tried furiously to think of the right words to explain.

 

“I…” There was nothing to say. 

 

“I’ll go see what the others are doing.” Lex stood up and after giving his sister an almost apologetic glance, he walked slowly towards the beach. 

 

Daley wanted to shout for him to stop, but she didn’t. 

 

-o-

 

The truth was, Daley had not wanted a little brother. More than once, she had wished him gone.

 

Now, it seemed she had finally gotten her wish.


	4. Together

\----

Mornings were never quiet on the island; even if the seven still slept on, the nature woke up from its slumber with the first light of dawn’s approach. The birds started their concert once again to welcome the new day, and usually Melissa woke with them, just to fall asleep again shortly afterwards. 

 

However, lately that habit had changed and she couldn’t close her eyes again after waking up the first time. It wasn’t because she was too afraid to do so; the fear resided still in her, but it had been banished somewhere deep, locked tightly there and hardly bothered her anymore. It also wasn’t because she didn’t feel tired anymore; too many sleepless nights had robbed the rest from her, and although she now slept better, Melissa still sometimes felt the ache of tiredness in her every bone and muscle. 

 

No, she was simply far too comfortable laying there to lose that feeling of content by going back to sleep. She wanted to enjoy it as long as she could; the heavy arm around her waist, Jackson’s warm breath on her neck. To be so close to him, in the face of the new morning, he still asleep, both of them warm and safe and together – she simply was more happy there and then than anywhere else.

 

Melissa wanted it to last, but could only bask in it for a few hours at most. By then, the sun had come up to wake the rest of the camp, and they all had to rise up and face each other once more. And because the things between them all were complex and sore still, and between some of them downright hostile, it wasn’t exactly a happy gathering of people at the breakfast. 

 

And although things between Melissa and Jackson were good – better than with any other pair in the camp – there were still loads of unresolved issues that left her confused and doubtful of how long their newly found closeness could last. They hadn’t actually talked about anything important at all. In some things words didn’t matter; they knew what horrors they had gone through in the jungle and in the bay, for they had gone through them together. They understood the fear and the pain in each other, and wanted to sooth it, to help it fade away. But the other things, the fact that Melissa had moved her sleeping bag permanently next to Jackson’s, that they sat always next to each other these days, that they just wanted to be where the other was... These things begged an explanation, an understanding. 

 

Did he feel the same way she did? Or was is it all just comfort that would soon turn cold?

 

-o-

 

She was kneeling on the sand, rummaging in her bag pack, her whole focus on the task. Her black hair had been pulled on a bun; a few of the strands had escaped and were plastered to her sweaty neck. Her bowing back was covered in green t-shirt and the flexing spine was just visible under the damp cotton. 

 

The sun was straight above his head, bearing down on them harshly, and he felt slightly faint from the oppressive heat. He wanted to put his hand on her bare neck, wanted to just rest his fingertips lightly on the junction where her long neck met her shoulders, feel the hard knob of her spine, the warmth and the life within. 

 

He moved a little closer and his shadow fell over her. 

 

She paused in her searching as she realised that he was behind her, and she turned a little without rising and craned her neck towards him, squinting her dark eyes. He tried to smile, but there was something stale and stifling in his mouth. He needed water.

 

“Jackson.” Her voice was not a question, just an acknowledgement of his presence. 

 

“What are you looking for?” He was always near her these days, watching how she moved and talked, how she reacted and connected, cataloguing her dislikes and likes; as if studying a new beautiful species. It was a continuous wonder to him, how he could know her so well and then learn yet again something new about her, peeling another layer of. He wanted to know all of her - wanted to know the naked skin of her neck under his palm.

 

“…and I was certain I put it here, but it’s nowhere I can find - maybe Taylor borrowed it and forget to put it back…Jackson? Are you listening to me?”

 

“Yeah. Go on.” But he knew he looked guilty enough to not get away with the lie. 

 

Mel smiled. “No, you’re not. But that’s okay - I was boring even myself with that rant.” She stood up and suddenly they were face to face, only a few inches apart. She was not much shorter than him. A bead of sweat clung to the hollow of her throat. 

 

His own throat was parched and swallowing was almost painful. God he was thirsty. He couldn’t remember, when he had his last drink. Probably a couple of hours ago, although he wasn’t certain. He had lost track of time, watching her and thinking about everything he wanted to say to her. Trying to find the right words to explain how he felt, for she deserved the utmost truth and nothing less from him. 

 

“What’s the matter?” Her face tightened with worry. “Are you feeling sick?”

 

“No, it’s nothing. You know…just this heat. I think it’s finally getting to my head.” He cut short his sharp bark of laughter after seeing how the alarm in her expression grew.

 

“Jackson…”

 

“No really, I’m fine. Just need some water.” He didn’t want that tightly pursed mouth to be aimed at him, didn’t want the solemn face to be so unhappy because of him. She had worried enough of him and everybody else - it wasn’t right that she should carry their burdens on top of her own.

 

“You should go lie down in the shade. I can do the rest of your chores.”

 

“No! You needn’t do anything! I’m fine.” She looked hurt at his loud words, so he softened his tone, “I promise that I’m okay. And I’ll go to the shade, if it makes you feel better, but I’m not letting you do my tasks.” 

 

She bit her lip, as if contemplating his offer, and he couldn’t help noticing (couldn’t draw his eyes away) how chapped her lips were. He took them both unawares by touching her mouth gently with his thumb. 

 

“Your lips are chapped.” 

 

Her eyes widened, but she didn’t say anything. The day seemed only to get hotter, and the air was motionless, everything still and shimmering around them. His cheeks were burning from a thousand fucked up things - shame and awkwardness and anxiety and want and safety and comfort and closeness and desire and affection - all mixed together, striving towards that one thing -

 

Later, he swore to God he hadn’t planned it. Not the way it happened at least, for he had fantasized about it plenty, made plans that involved sunsets and holding hands first. He had not meant this abrupt motion towards her mouth, impulsive and without warning. 

 

Her closed lips felt dry and cracked, when he kissed her. She made a small surprised sound in her throat, but didn’t push him away, didn’t slap him six ways to sunday. His arms hung uselessly on his sides, uncertain where their place should be. Only their lips touched and he had to crane his neck a little uncomfortably, but didn’t dare to find a new position. They were both too self-conscious for the kiss to be great, too aware of the dryness of their mouths, of the sweltering heat around them. 

 

The kiss was just a contact, a pressure of his lips on hers, it was over too soon, and he was fumbling like a rookie, but at the same time, it was the best kiss he had ever had. He retreated with a huge grin. And what was best; although she looked stunned, there was a answering smile on her face. 

 

“Let’s go find that shade and water.” She picked up her bag pack from the ground and then turned to go without looking back, expecting him to follow. And she was not wrong - in that moment he would have followed her pretty much everywhere she wanted. 

 

-o-

 

The campfire burned bright in the darkening evening as they were gathering around it for some bedtime snack. The meaningless chitchat was just a buzz in the background; Melissa was deep in her own thoughts. If she had been paying attention, she would have noticed how the seemingly ordinary discussion was taut with tension. However, all she could think about was - he kissed me!

 

He had kissed her and it had taken her completely by surprise. It had been - there really were no words for it yet, perhaps never would be. All of a sudden, everything she had ever hoped and dreamed for was in that one moment; almost too much for her to take. 

 

She had been ready to burst with excitement - or worse tears - so she had turned away, her intention to lead them somewhere private, where they could calm down and maybe finally talk. So naturally then, Daley had needed her urgently for something in just that very moment, and from there on, she and Jackson hadn’t gotten any time alone at all. It was a conspiracy. 

 

“Melissa?” A hand in her shoulder. She realised that Jackson was standing in front of her, trying to get her attention. She blushed scarlet. 

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I’m going for a little walk. Are you coming with me?” 

 

Melissa’s heart started to beat like some crazed drummer had gotten hold of the drumsticks and was now banging to his heart’s content. She glanced quickly at the others: Lex seemed genuinely curious, Nathan and Eric were grinning stupidly, Daley had a little disapproving frown on her face, and Taylor kept her eyes resolutely on the ground. 

 

Jackson was standing firm under their gazes. He didn’t seem to care what the others thought - so why should she?

 

“Lets go.” He smiled at her answer and together they started to walk towards the ocean, not saying another word. 

 

The sun had begun to set; it’s fiery glow was slowly sinking underneath the waves. The air was already much cooler than it was in the daytime, not too hot, nor too cold. Perfect. As soon as the word sprung to her mind, she tried to banish it. Life was not a movie. Expecting too much would do a disservice to them both. As the events of the recent past had so avidly demonstrated, life was everything but perfect. But in that moment -

 

In that moment life was pretty damn good.

 

They stopped, when they were near the water’s edge. The dark waves raced to meet her bare feet; the lukewarm water touched her toes, before retreating back to the ocean. She turned to face him, the suspense thick and tingling in the pit of her stomach. 

 

“So…here we are.” God, she was nervous. What would he say to her? Would he kiss her again? Or was it her turn now to take the reins? 

 

“Yeah, here we are.” He looked flustered. “Nice evening - the sunset…and everything.” 

 

She had to smile at that. “Very nice.” She tried very hard not to laugh at his abashed expression. Realising he was as keyed up as she was actually helped to allay her own suspense. 

 

“Oh God - I’m really fucking this up, am I?” He sounded mortified and amused at the same time. 

 

“Well, that depends on what you are trying to do.” Melissa wanted to appear solemn, but the damn smile kept tugging the corners of her mouth. 

 

“You know…just the usual; apologise for being such a dumbass…try to woo the girl…” The grin on Jackson’s face was making her tingle all over. 

 

“You have nothing to apologise for.” Her tone was steely and serious, for she tried to convey the honesty and certainty of her words so that he would finally belief her.

 

“I have taken my time though. Made you wait.” Everything in him was so earnest and grave, that for a moment Melissa wanted to interrupt him, tell him they didn’t need to talk. After all that time, after wanting an explanation, a confession out of him, she realised she knew already what he was going to say. However, she stayed silent and let him continue, for she had earned to hear it, and he certainly needed to say it. 

 

“I didn’t mean to kiss you before - not before we talked. I…the last time we talked, I told you that I didn’t know how I felt. I tried to clear things up, but I think I just made them more of a mess than they already were.”

 

He looked so condemning of himself, that Melissa couldn’t help but add, “But you tried.”

 

“I think…I think that I was too much of a coward to try to sort out my feelings. You know, the whole if you ignore it then it goes away approach.” He let out a small laugh. “Yeah, doesn’t work so well in real life.” 

 

“And so…now you have it…sorted out?”

 

“Yeah, I had to. You know, the one good thing to come from that nightmare - I was forced to see how amazing you really are. And how I really want to be much more than your friend.” His gaze was intense, and she fought to keep her eyes on his. “Life is too damn short, and I want us - together. If you still want that.” Suddenly he seemed insecure, casting his eyes over the ocean. 

 

A great warmth settled into her, filled her and made everything in her glow. Surely, she had never been so happy in her whole life. Sometimes it had been so hard to find the right words - any words - when she had tried to talk to him, but now she had no reservations, no hesitations on what she was going to say. 

 

“I do want that.” She held her hand to him, and he joined their fingers together. 

 

“Okay then.” There was a new smile on his face; wide and happy and real. She had never seen it before. It was infectious and beautiful and it made her heart ache just a little. Which didn’t mean she couldn’t tease him a moment later.

 

“Wait a minute - what about the no-relationships-on-the-island-rule?” 

 

His answer was instant, “To hell with that!”

 

She couldn’t have agreed more.

 

-o-

 

He couldn’t sleep - didn‘t want to. The darkness was too tightly wrapped around the camp for him to see anything, but he didn’t need his useless eyes to know that she was with him. Her warm back was pressed against his chest, and the silken strands of her hair tickled his nose. 

 

She was asleep, and he was listening to her rhythmic breathing, thinking how simple things became, if one just learned to let go. Everything he had once done, everything he had been, thought himself of becoming - it was all in the past now. 

 

And this was the beginning. 

 

Wherever this thing (this love) between them was going, there was simultaneous excitement and comfort to be had from the thought that they were headed down there together.


	5. Forgiveness

\---

Daley had been sitting on the beach, staring resolutely at the sea for a long time. Nathan knew that, because he had been watching her from the corners of his vision, checking her whereabouts on a regular basis while he worked in the camp. He and Jackson were fastening up some of the structures of their shelter, making sure they would hold against any approaching storm. However, Nathan’s mind was far off from what his hands were trying to do; this became obvious, when he dropped the wooden beam he was supposed to be holding up. 

 

“Shit! Watch what you are doing!”

 

“Sorry, I’m sorry - are you hurt?” Nathan quickly tried to appease Jackson, who had gotten out beneath the falling beam just in time. 

 

“Yeah I’m fine. Just go talk to her.”

 

“What?”

 

“It’s obvious where your mind is - that was the third time you dropped something on me.”

 

Nathan felt chastened. “Well, she doesn’t want to talk to me.” 

 

“And that’s stopped you before?” Jackson was grinning and Nathan decided that ever since Jackson and Mel had reached an understanding, the guy had been insufferably cheerful. Jackson was right though; the talk with Daley was long over due. 

 

When he walked up to her, she didn’t turn or acknowledge his presence in any way, although she had to hear him coming. He sat beside her, not knowing how to start. There were so many things he wanted to say to her - mainly that her pain was hurting him too and he just wanted to make it all better. Nathan felt horribly insufficient for the task. 

 

“I’m sorry.” Daley’s words took him by surprise.

 

“What for?”

 

“For being such a bitch all the time now.” 

 

It was true that for the past few days Daley had been difficult, to put it mildly, and that she had rejected all Nathan’s attempts to help her with stinging words, but he had always known she hadn’t done it because she wanted to be mean to him, but because she was simply hurting too much to act in any other way. When wounded, Daley had always lashed out.

 

“Apology accepted.” He hesitated for a moment and then added, “I know you don’t do it on purpose, but it has to stop.” Daley stiffened, but didn’t say anything.

 

“You are trying to drive everyone away from you, because you think it will be easier that way or because you think you don’t deserve the comfort - and you only end up hurting yourself and others.“ Nathan felt all the words he had wanted to say for so long pouring out of his mouth, filling the air; it was at the same time a relief and a terror. “I…I wish you could talk to me, or if not me then somebody else, because Daley - you need to talk to someone. Someone other than Lex, someone you don’t have to act so strong for. You can‘t keep on clamming up and then exploding on our faces, when we want to know if you‘re alright.”

 

There were silent tears on her cheeks and Nathan floundered for a moment, hardening his heart against the sudden desire to spare her from having to hear all that he had to say. “I’m only saying this because I want to help you. It is…it’s hard to see you hurting and not being allowed to help. So…just listen to me now - I know you’re scared that you’re going to lose Lex and you’re angry at yourself for all that happened, but you don’t need to be. It was not your fault. You saved Lex - and he is already doing much better than he was, and he will be fine. He’s going to recover from all this and so are you. You know why?”

 

Daley was shaking her head, still staring stonily at the sea. Nathan took a deep breath. ”Because he has his sister with him, and he loves you. You’re going to be fine. And when you are ready, you can come talk to me or someone else and we’ll listen. I promise.” 

 

He stood up slowly and waited for a moment. Daley didn’t say a word, but he hadn’t really expected that she would. She had a lot of thinking to do. He just had to believe that she would come to him, when she was ready. 

 

Nathan went back to working on the shelter. 

 

-o- 

 

It was damn ironic that Jin was buried in the exact same spot where Eric had hid the money, under that dead crooked tree. So ironic that Eric would have laughed, if he hadn’t been choking back his tears. 

 

The long shadow of the tree fell on the mound of dirt and rocks. The clearing was quiet and forgotten, hidden inside the sweltering jungle. Only seven people in the whole world knew where the man called Jin had been buried. What a shitty grave in a shitty place. 

 

A few weeks ago, Eric had thought that the place had been perfect - perfect to hide the money from the others. He had come there all the time then and had sat beneath that tree, thinking what he would do with all that money, how once he was back at home… Deluded dreams that were never going to be real. 

 

He couldn’t help thinking that if he had never found the money, or had never took it for himself, then maybe things would have gone differently. Maybe the men wouldn’t have needed to take them as hostages, threaten to shoot Lex - maybe Jin would have left the island with the other men, alive. 

 

But there was no use in crying over spilled milk - or whatever those useless platitudes said. And he was still waiting for time to heal everything, to quieten the stark, sharp thoughts swirling in his brain allowing him no rest. Eric hadn’t known what would happen, when he took the money - couldn’t have foreseen the events that unrolled nightmarishly once the criminals had arrived on the island. It was not his fault, damn it! 

 

Still, the others looked at him differently than before, spoke to him in half-hearted tones. Eric wanted to be as far away as possible from their accusing stares and uncomfortable silences. At least Daley spoke (or shouted) what was on her mind. The others acted like they didn’t care about Eric’s involvement in the actions that had shaken them all to the core and endangered all their lives. 

 

The leaves rustled loudly behind him and he spun around quickly, heart hammering in his chest. The thick bushes parted and Lex stumbled out of the forest, carrying some kind of wooden structure in his hands. The boy stopped in the middle of the clearing, looking hesitantly at Eric. 

 

“What are you doing here? Does Daley know where you are?” Eric could only imagine the whole camp’s panic if they couldn’t find Lex; he could already hear Daley’s frantic shouts and hysteric accusations. She was going to blame Eric for this. 

 

Lex shrugged his shoulders and bit his lip, but didn’t say anything. The boy’s brown eyes were staring intently at Eric, and it made him uncomfortable. Lex was looking too hard, seeing things Eric didn’t want him - or anybody else for that matter - to see. 

 

“I bet Daley is already looking for you. You should go back.” Eric couldn’t deal with Lex now, not while the tear tracks were yet to dry on his own face. 

 

“Daley didn’t mean what she said.” Lex’s voice was earnest. He didn’t need to specify what he meant - they both knew the words he alluded to. (You are a selfish bastard and I don’t want you anywhere near me or Lex.) And then the sucker punch: Nothing you say can ever change what you did. 

 

“Sure she did.” Eric’s smile was forced. The grave was behind him and he had a sudden illogical urge to prevent Lex from seeing the stark mound. “Anyway, you don’t want to be here.” 

 

“I…I made this.” Lex came forward and presented the wooden thing to Eric, who with a bang saw what it really was - a cross made of two pieces of wood that were tied together with vine. “I thought he should have…I wanted to make…” Lex’s words faded and the boy dropped his eyes to the ground, clearly distressed. Eric’s throat was tight and something was fastening up his insides into a painful knot. 

 

“It’s…fine. It’s a good thought.” And perhaps Eric had gotten Lex into this nightmare to begin with, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t try to help him in any way he could. At least he had to try. “You want me to set it up?”

 

Lex nodded quickly and offered the cross to Eric, who took it with trembling hands. He stepped beneath the tree, next to the grave. Under that mass of soil, those rocks, there was a human body. The thought made Eric almost gag, but he swallowed the bitter bile with determination. He couldn’t lose his cool now. He had to be strong - be the adult - for Lex. 

 

Eric pushed the wooden cross deep to the ground until it could stand on its own. He took a few steps back to see how it looked and almost stepped on Lex’s feet. Unnoticed by Eric, the boy had crept closer to the grave. 

 

“Well, there it is. Now we can go back to the camp.” Eric started to leave the clearing, but stopped when Lex didn’t make any move to follow him. Eric sighed. Nothing was ever easy with Lex, the kid was just too stubborn for his own good. He wanted to grab Lex’s hand and drag the boy out of that awful place before they both were broken beyond repair. He had to remind himself of Lex’s silence during the day and his cries at night. Just to hear him talk again was more than Eric deserved. 

 

“Lex, is there something else you would like to do here?” He tried to be patient. Lex was staring at the grave, biting his lip. Eric moved to stand beside him, all the while searching for the right words. He didn’t know what was on Lex’s mind, didn’t know if the boy wanted comfort or silent support. However, before Eric had a chance to try anything, Lex’s quiet voice filled the empty space between them. 

 

“Why did he try to get the money?”

 

Eric contemplated his answer carefully - it was important to get it right - before saying, “Maybe he needed it badly for something.” He remembered his own numerous dreams that had been centred around that money. “Sometimes people - they see all that money and think how much better their lives would be if they had it…and they forget everything else.”

 

Lex seemed to think about Eric’s words for a moment, adding them up with everything he already knew, calculating the trueness of the forming picture. Finally he nodded and Eric knew his answer had been accepted. The questions didn’t end there though.

 

“The bad man - the leader…” Lex’s voice shook, and he was probably seeing in his mind’s eye everything that had taken place on that fatal night. The empty eyes of the dead man, staring at them. “Why did he have to…shoot him?”

 

Eric had feared this question, for he didn’t understand it himself. “I don’t know Lex. He wanted the money as badly as - as Jin did.”

 

“But he shot him, when he already had the money.” 

 

Jin had been laying on the ground, bleeding and coughing blood from the first shot. He had been defenceless; unable to move, unable to even reach for the money bag beside him. The leader had talked to him evenly and had then shot him dead. 

 

“I - I don’t understand it either. And maybe it’s something we shouldn’t have to - don’t have to understand.”

 

“I didn’t help him.” Lex’s voice was small and miserable; the words dug deep into Eric’s soul. His throat threatened to close up, but he fought to let the words out, for Lex needed to hear them badly. 

 

“Lex, you couldn’t have done anything to help him. The situation was impossible - we were being threatened with guns.” Lex’s whole body was trembling, and Eric took hold of Lex’s shoulders and turned the boy to face him. He looked at him straight in the eyes and willed him to believe. “You were amazing through it all - very brave - and you couldn’t have stopped what happened…Lex, I want you to remember that none of it was your fault. What happened was not your fault.” 

 

Lex‘s gaze was serious and too wise for his age. “It was not your fault either.”

 

Something broke inside Eric with those words, and he scooped Lex in his arms, squeezing the boy tight. For the first time since that night, the strangling coil of buried fear, anger and guilt inside Eric loosened, instead of tightening further. 

 

What had happened, it was not his fault. And if Lex believed that, then maybe Eric could believe it too. 

 

-o-

 

Another day that was the same as the days before that. Hot day, with a few white clouds on the sky. The sea a constant roar in her ears. Sand flying in a gust of sudden wind. Same day. And she was the same as before.

 

Daley still felt afraid every time Lex was out of her sight, but she tried to control it after realizing that her fear made him afraid. She still bristled up under the onslaught of sympathetic eyes, but tried to think before yelling hurtful words at people, who were only trying to help. Like Nathan, whose words echoed in her thoughts, made her feel better and worse. 

 

She was so sick of being sick. Sick with fear and anger and worry. Sick with the wrong kinds of words out of her mouth - all nonsense that meant nothing, that was just designed to fill the void of silence. 

 

An ordinary day, the kind of ordinary she hated, that only meant the word same and was living in a limbo. Until it suddenly wasn’t. For the first time since…

 

Lex laughed. 

 

Daley heard her brother laugh and stopped in her tracks, hardly daring to believe. Lex was smiling and laughing with the others, and she had a violent urge to join them, to be the cause of that laugh. The day wasn’t the same as the day before it, and there was no excuse for her to be as she had been. 

 

In the end, it was easier than she had thought to walk over to Nathan, and to tell him that she was finally ready to talk. 

 

THE END


End file.
